Sunday, January 23, 2005
Big sentences and punctuation
Title: Hard Times
Fandom: Queer as Folk (US)
Author: angelbaby
Location: http://www.bjfic.net/viewstory.php?sid=5844
Feedback given:
For a 'chapter' this is rather short. The reader doesn't get much in the way of emotion or a sense of character in only 246 words.
You could use some help with punctuation. You're missing commas, misplaced commas, missing quotes and missing periods.
The second paragraph is a run-on sentence. There are also some grammar issues. Here is one example of how the sentence could be reworked:
"He'd just gotten off the phone with Brett, who had told him that he was working on a new film and needed an art director for it. With Justin having done so well on Rage, Brett wanted to know if Justin would be interested in working on the new project. Unfortunately, it would mean returning to L.A."
In the next paragraph, you are missing quotation marks around Justin's thoughts. The first part, 'Damn,' is correct, but the part after 'he thought' should have quotes.
'...sort through is thoughts he poured...' A comma is needed after 'thoughts'.
'...himself for the worst' Missing a period after 'worst'.
'The clock on his cell read 6:45 and Brian would be home soon and Justin decided it was best to try to talk to him now rather than later.'
This sentence would be better as two sentences. Here's an example of how two sentences might be done:
'The clock on his cell read 6:45 and Brian would be home soon. Justin decided it was best to try to talk to Brian now, rather than later.
The last paragraph is a bit confusing and needs some help. Here's an example of how it might be reworked:
'Twenty minutes later, Justin was lying in bed. After his second shot of Beam he'd suddenly felt very tired and decided to take a nap. A short time later, he was woken by the sound of the iron door closing and Brian coming in. 'Here it goes,' Justin though as he made his way out of bed.
Please proofread your work before posting and, if at all possible, have someone else beta-read your work. It never hurts to have another set of eyes checking for errors.
[Edit] Story removed (in under 2 hours!)
Fandom: Queer as Folk (US)
Author: angelbaby
Location: http://www.bjfic.net/viewstory.php?sid=5844
Feedback given:
For a 'chapter' this is rather short. The reader doesn't get much in the way of emotion or a sense of character in only 246 words.
You could use some help with punctuation. You're missing commas, misplaced commas, missing quotes and missing periods.
The second paragraph is a run-on sentence. There are also some grammar issues. Here is one example of how the sentence could be reworked:
"He'd just gotten off the phone with Brett, who had told him that he was working on a new film and needed an art director for it. With Justin having done so well on Rage, Brett wanted to know if Justin would be interested in working on the new project. Unfortunately, it would mean returning to L.A."
In the next paragraph, you are missing quotation marks around Justin's thoughts. The first part, 'Damn,' is correct, but the part after 'he thought' should have quotes.
'...sort through is thoughts he poured...' A comma is needed after 'thoughts'.
'...himself for the worst' Missing a period after 'worst'.
'The clock on his cell read 6:45 and Brian would be home soon and Justin decided it was best to try to talk to him now rather than later.'
This sentence would be better as two sentences. Here's an example of how two sentences might be done:
'The clock on his cell read 6:45 and Brian would be home soon. Justin decided it was best to try to talk to Brian now, rather than later.
The last paragraph is a bit confusing and needs some help. Here's an example of how it might be reworked:
'Twenty minutes later, Justin was lying in bed. After his second shot of Beam he'd suddenly felt very tired and decided to take a nap. A short time later, he was woken by the sound of the iron door closing and Brian coming in. 'Here it goes,' Justin though as he made his way out of bed.
Please proofread your work before posting and, if at all possible, have someone else beta-read your work. It never hurts to have another set of eyes checking for errors.
[Edit] Story removed (in under 2 hours!)
# posted by hellsbit_ch @ 1:44 PM 
